I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
