Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
