I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize