Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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