found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I enjoy the company of your penis
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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