I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
