Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Pooping to opera.
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