After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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