I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
