Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
