She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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