my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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