saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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