I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
