this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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