How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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