I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
