Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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