my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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