There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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