my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
