I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
