I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
