I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
