If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
