Your face is a jimmy john
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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