my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
