I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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