Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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