I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
