Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
