does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
