I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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