you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
