cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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