so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
