I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize