Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
