His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
