im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dear god my vagina.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
