it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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