I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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