I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
