When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
