saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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