it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
