1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
