I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
