Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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