C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
