Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
