proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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