Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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