The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
