I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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