tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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