Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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