Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
