If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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