Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
