I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I bet he comes in French.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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